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How helping my husband discover he’s gay helped me let go




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Feeling like your beliefs have been shattered after living a lie Confusion about the relationship or marriage and whether it is worth saving Fear of having your family wfie apart Hurt sec being violated and lied to Rage, bitterness, fear, shock, despair, devastation, repulsion, hurt and anger Anxiety about seex your partner or spouse has been unfaithful Shame, secrecy, and a fear of lack of acceptance Fear of having been exposed to or having contracted sexually transmitted diseases including HIV Things to Do—and Not to Do Do Decide what you both can and cannot live with. Accept that it takes two to make a marriage. Get checked immediately for sexually transmitted diseases, whether or not your partner admits to any sexual infidelity.

Take care of yourself as you go through the grieving process. Your relationship has changed. Try to accept this reality and move forward. Be careful how you tell your children. You may need professional guidance to deal with this. It's important for them to feel loved and secure and to know they're not to blame for the situation. Don't Isolate yourself. Certainly, the traditional vows that are taken express the fact that they will always be together. Cheating almost always comes as a shock to the husband or wife. The sense of hurt and betrayal is enormous, often leading to divorce. I have often wondered how it impacts on the psyche of the straight partner when they learn their spouse loves people of the same sex.

I have seen cases where the heterosexual spouse fears that they drove their partner into homosexuality.

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Its a silly and incorrect notion but, not for that individual. Gat are a serious concerns with regard to children. When there is a threat to the stability to a marriage it qith felt strongly by the children. Children do not want to lose either parent or their home but is experienced as loss. Children may later adapt if both parents remain friends and share custody. For example, it is one thing to know that father loves another woman. But, when father loves another man? This is not to be confused with homosexual couples who adopt and raise a family.

Those kids seem to do very well.

His sith freed us—I see that now. No one can striker someone else gay. I cheered that the shift I had turned about from the electronic was happening.

Two years earlier, while our two youngest kids were napping, Mike told me on our back porch that he had recently discovered that he was also attracted to men. But they were there, and they were wiffe stronger. I cried so loudly that our eldest child witj the door to ask what was wrong. I was already exhausted from trying to keep our kids then 7, 3 and 1 alive, not to mention fed and clothed. Now, I was completely underwater, trying to help my husband figure out his sexuality. We talked about it all the time: I felt unsure about our future and often shut out of what was really going on in his mind, but we told no one. After months of discussion, he disclosed that he thought he might be bisexual.

It was then that we realized we needed professional support. We found an awesome psychotherapist who asked tough questions. Within 20 minutes, she accomplished more than we had in weeks of talking. She concluded that my ideal was to remain monogamous—something my husband could not do. It felt like an ultimatum: I could either accompany him on this journey or split.

Both options were terrifying. I could witth him explore. I had nothing to lose by trying, so I agreed to an open marriage—well, a one-sided one anyway. I had everything I needed with Mike, but srx needed this to help him figure things out. We drafted an agreement and negotiated the details: Mike could go out every other Wednesday evening. He needed to be safe. He could communicate with his potential friend during the week but not at home—not during family time. Their lives were eerily parallel: They were bisexual and married to heterosexual women, had kids and wanted to remain married but be able to explore their sexuality.

It was all planned, but now it was going to happen. Intellectually, I had wrapped my head around it, but my heart was still lagging behind. This means different things for different couples, and they tend to feel the same loss that began to weigh heavily on them before the disclosure.

The straight spouse may feel satisfied with having back the spouse they married. But the loss the gay spouse feels starts to weigh heavily, as they begin to wex that they couldn't go back into the closet. Gy straight spouse understandably sec angry at the gay spouse for wige being able or willing to go back into the closet. The gay spouse becomes angry because they feel pressured to do something they know they can no longer do. If a gay spouse were only sexually and not romantically attracted to men, they might have a chance at staying with their straight. Men like this whom I've worked with use pornography and: Their wives know, and they make it work.

But some men want to connect with other men in emotional and relational ways, more than just sexually. Whether or not the couple has children, this is very truly a family affair, since in-laws must be told, and reactions from the families of both spouses will be part of the process. Should they stay together, or should they separate? This is a question each partner should ask, and answer jointly: What type of marriage do they want? Will they be monogamous? Will they have an open marriage sexually?


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